23rd July, 2014
My Dream 1D Day
Ben Winston is guillotined for Crimes Against Music Video Making after being forced to watch “You and I” on a loop for 45 minutes.HOUR TWORespectful removal of Ben Winston’s body and clean up of blood from the studio floor while the band stands around awkwardly looking respectful.HOUR THREEZayn gets ridiculously high and starts sharing his conspiracy theories (“Okay, like, Lady Gaga is part of the Illuminati, right?…”)HOUR FOURAn exclusive interview with Modest! Management where they tell us how they make such jaw-droppingly bad business decisions (“We like to find the very best songs on the album, say, “Through The Dark” and “Strong” and make sure we never, ever release them as singles. Also, we like to create merchandise that is geared specifically to children. We’ll soon be releasing 1D Where We Are Training Pants for toddlers and 1D sippy cups…”)HOUR FIVEHarry in a hot tub full of middle aged men.HOUR SIXLouis will pick four lucky fans at random and call them up to chew their asses out with his trademark Tomlinson sass (“Seriously, love. Do you think that going to our show with my name written on your face like a right twat will make me want to fuck you? I don’t even like puss—-, er, I mean…”)HOUR SEVENSpelling bee with Liam and Niall where they attempt to write one simple tweet with no spelling errors.HOUR EIGHTA close-up of Zayn looking moody. For a solid fucking hour. You’re welcome.HOUR NINESophia comes out in the black outfit she wore to Jay’s wedding so we can all self-hate and then question our sexuality because, Christ, she’s hot.HOUR TENLouis and Eleanor come on to prove their true love. Louis launches a convincing argument for his heterosexuality, pointing at Eleanor’s nether regions and saying, “I love all those wrinkly, hidden bits down there! I do. I love both the labia minora AND majora. SEE EVERYONE?”HOUR ELEVENThe Tomlinson/Deakin family promote things.HOUR TWELVEAs a grand finale, Harry and Louis come out and re-enact all of the Jesus fic.